Dating and Domestic Violence
Dating and domestic violence is a dirty little secret that most people keep quiet about. Men and women don’t admit that it’s happened to them because it’s embarrassing. And nobody wants to ask a friend if it’s happening to them, it might start a fight, or cause a rift in the friendship.
Everyone has an argument or a disagreement with someone in any relationship, not just in romantic relationships, every once in a while. Dating violence isn’t something that occurs every once in a while, it’s a pattern of abusive and violent behavior that’s used to hurt someone’s girlfriend or boyfriend. Sometimes the abuse is physical, but abuse is also verbal, emotional, and even sexual. Dating violence can happen to anyone, no matter what age, race, religion, ethnicity, education, or economic status. It even happens in same-sex relationships. While about 90 percent of dating violence happens because of a guy abusing a girl, keep in mind that guys can be the victims too.
If you are being abused, know someone who is, or think you might be abusing, then talk to someone. Violence and abuse are not loving or affectionate actions.
DATING VIOLENCE AND DISABILITIES
Unfortunately, not much is known about what happens when people with disabilities are affected by dating violence. Comparisons of this population to the general population are not accurate since women with disabilities are less likely to be married, live in a common law relationship, or participate in dating. It is suspected that women with disabilities are the victims of dating violence when they are dating someone.
The fact that not much is known does mean that some information is available. Women interviewed for specific research described being physically abused repeatedly and severely enough to require medical attention, being threatened with severe harm, controlled, insulted, and having their property taken or destroyed.
It is also known that women with disabilities are much more likely to experience sexual violence, than women without disabilities. Research varies on how often this happens; some suggest that nine out of ten women with disabilities will experience sexual assault at some time, while other research states that this is too high a number.
IF IT’S HAPPENING TO YOUR TEEN
Talking to your teen about dating violence is a scary thought and a daunting task. No parent thinks their child could ever be exposed to such a thing, whether it’s happening to them or they’re inflicting it upon someone else, but chances are your teen knows more than you think. In one survey, nearly 25 percent of teens asked knew someone who had been a victim of dating violence, eleven percent knew multiple victims, and thirty percent of these teens had actually witnessed the event.
Starting an actual conversation with your teen is an extremely delicate situation, here are some tips on how to get started:
- Don’t tell your teen you’d like to talk to him or her in front of other people, unless it’s your child’s other parent or guardian.
- Take your child someplace away from distractions, like on a drive or to a coffee shop where neither of you will run into someone you know.
- Be a good and active listener. You want to show your teen that you are supportive of him or her and that you are a good resource for information.
- Be open and honest about your own past relationships, focus on where you made mistakes and how you learned from them.
- Do be a parent throughout this conversation. That doesn’t mean solving their problems for them, but it does mean that they don’t need you as a friend right now.
- Finally, if your teenager comes to you wanting to talk, drop everything you’re doing and have the conversation.
Okay, you’ve gotten your teen alone somehow and they know you want to talk to them about something important, now what? If you want to know anything about your teen, you will have to ask them. Here are some questions that will get the conversation rolling:
- How are things going?
You might get stonewall responses to this, and you might get a flood of information. Don’t let your teen push you away from your goal, be persistent. If you get nowhere, keep asking general questions about your teen. - Have you ever seen any abusive behavior between two people who are going out
You may have to give an example, and explain that abuse is not just physical, it is also verbal and emotional. You may also find that you and your teen have different definitions of abuse. No one wants to hear that their daughter has been abused, and no one wants to hear that their son is an abuser (or the other way around), but be prepared to deal with it if it comes up.
Are people “going together” or “committed”? Keep in mind that it may seem like a high school crush to you, but to them it’s serious business. Make sure your teen knows that a relationship is about mutual respect and not about one person being dominant over the other.
These are just a few ideas for questions to get your teen talking. For more information, look at A Parent’s Guide to Teen Dating Violence: Questions to Start the Conversation at http://www.loveisnotabuse.com.
IF IT’S HAPPENING TO YOU
Sometimes it’s hard to tell if our own relationship is getting dangerous. Especially if you really like the person and dating him or her makes you popular in your school. Usually though, you notice when something doesn’t feel quite right. If you think you might be being abused, talk to someone right away. Your friends, family, school teachers, and counselors are there to help you. Remember that abuse isn’t just hitting or shoving, it’s also saying mean things and making you feel bad about yourself. Here are some signs that you may be in an abusive relationship:
- Are you afraid to disagree with your partner?
- Does his or her temper scare you?
- Is he or she very jealous?
- Does he or she call you names or yell at you?
- Does he or she try to control the way you dress or who you see?
- Has he or she threatened to harm you or commit suicide if you leave?
- Does he or she break or throw things in anger?
If anything on this list looks or sounds familiar, you may need to talk to somebody about your relationship. The cycle of abuse will not end by itself, and will probably only escalate to much worse situations, such as assault, rape, and even murder. Domestic violence is the number one cause of emergency room visits by women. The homicides are usually committed by their husbands or boyfriends. Everyone has a bad day, but no one deserves to be treated like they don’t matter.
IF IT’S HAPPENING TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW
If you’re truly concerned about a friend you think is in an abusive relationship, then you probably have a good reason to be concerned. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if a relationship is really abusive, or if the actions of the couple are really “just how they are”. Below are some examples of abuse in a relationship:
- When your friend and her boyfriend are together, he calls her names or puts her down in front of other people
- He acts extremely jealous when she talks to other boys, even when it’s completely innocent
- She apologizes for his behavior and makes excuses for him
- She frequently cancels plans at the last minute, for reasons that sound untrue
- She seems worried about making him mad
- She’s giving up things that used to be important to her
- She has injuries she can’t explain or give false sounding explanations
Talking to a friend with an abusive boyfriend or girlfriend is a scary thing to do. You’re never sure how your friend will react, and you certainly don’t want to start a fight. Here are some tips on how to talk to your friend:
- Listen to what your friend has to say, don’t be judgmental
- Let her know you are there for her whenever she needs to talk, and that you’re worried about her
- Let her know you won’t tell anyone she doesn’t want you to about her situation (unless you fear for her safety)
- Let your friend know you won’t stand by and let the behavior continue
- Be specific about why you’re concerned, name a specific event and why it bothered you
- Encourage her to talk to an adult or counselor, and offer to go with her if she wants.
- Be her friend and confidante, don’t tell her what to do
This is great advice if your friend is being abused, but what if you think your friend is abusing his girlfriend (or her boyfriend). Just because it’s not your friend that’s getting hurt, doesn’t mean it’s okay that it’s happening. Talking to a friend about abusing someone can be very intimidating. Here are a few tips on how to go about it.
- Be specific about what you saw and how it made you feel
- Make sure he/she realizes that his actions have consequences, and he could get into serious trouble
- Urge him to get help from a counselor, coach, or any trusted adult (and offer to go with)
- Let him know you care about him, and that you know he has it in him to change
- Let the abused know you are there for her whenever she needs to talk and that you are worried about her
Most guys who hurt their girlfriends (U.S. Department of Justice estimates that 90-95% of abusers are male, so in this newsletter “he” is used more often that “she” to refer to the abuser) don’t consider themselves “batterers”. Many are in denial about the severity of their actions. Reaching out and talking to a friend you think is violent in his relationship is an act of true friendship, though it may seem one of the hardest things you can do.
IF YOU’RE DOING IT
If you know you’re abusing a loved one, for your sake and the sake of the person you love, get help! Sometimes life can be extremely stressful, people and events can make everyone feel frazzled and angry. Unfortunately, many of us wind up taking our frustration and anger out on the people we love, and sometimes this can turn into verbal and emotional abuse, and sometimes even physical abuse. This pattern of abusing those you love will not go away on its own. Some think alcohol or drugs are what causes them to abuse those they love. These things have unpredictable side effects and can impair your judgment, but they don’t make you hurt anyone. Deciding to hurt someone is a decision you make on your own. If you are abusing a loved one, more than likely they’ve told you and asked you to stop. However, if you’re still not sure if you’re an abuser, here are some questions to ask yourself:
- Have I ever used force or threats to make my partner do something that she didn’t want to do?
- Have I ever used force or threats to prevent my partner from doing something she did want to do?
- Has my partner complained that I have pressured her into unwanted sexual activities?
- Has my partner complained that I control or dominate her life in unwanted ways?
If you can answer yes to any of these questions, seek help immediately! These actions don’t make you a bad person, but it does mean you must stop hurting those you love, and who love you.